2 posts tagged “love”
So just in the last 5 days I started watching every episode of The Office (US version). I didn't expect to like the show. It just turned into more of a "hey this show can keep my attention, it is funny, and seems like real life. I wonder what will happen next" kind of a thing.
But as I continued watching through season 2, something happened to me. I fell in love. I fell in love with Jim. I also fell in love with Pam and Jim. But I mostly fell in love with Jim.
And then.
Just when I thought it was all over for Jim.
THIS HAPPENED!
I might have gotten a tear or two in the back of my eye.
I also might have felt a twinge (is that even a word?) in the bottom of my stomach!
I might have even felt jealous, yet happy for Pam, all at the same time!
All I can say is: LUCKY GIRL!
But SHHHHH! Don't tell me what happens! I am busy the next few days/weeks. Not sure when I will get around to starting season 3. So this is what I want to remember about the show for now.
Okay, I am officially a freak for liking a character on a show so much. This has never happened to me.
I want my own Jim!
So I am sitting here, alone, bored, and kinda slap happy. I have something on my mind, and I just can't find anyone to talk about it with, so I am going to talk about it with my laptop screen. Maybe one day someone will find this and be able to help me. Here it goes.
My name is Shannon. I am 22 years old. I am single. I am lonely. I come from a childhood where my parents never slept in the same room, never held hands, and never showed affection to each other or even me. When I really think about I have never been in a relationship. I have only really shown interest and somewhat dated two guys, for a month each. I want attention from guys, but I also find reasons to shoot them down as well. Yet through all of this, all I want is a companion. I feel that my life will not be complete unless I have someone else to share life with. Someday I hope to find love and find someone to spend the rest of my life. I want someone that I feel really cares about me. I think that will be hard to do, because I don't know what it feels like to care for anyone, and I also don't think I know what it feels like to care about anyone except for myself. Since I never felt cared about or loved growing up, I only had myself. I am sure I even love myself, but I definitely care about myself and I constantly stick up for myself and I know I am extremely selfish and put my feelings before others. But I also long to be able to care about someone else, someone that also cares about me. Only I am having difficult even coming in contact with guys that are also want to share their love and feelings with someone else. My life has always been school and work. School has and still is all females (because of the Early Education concentration) and work has always been around school as well (more females, especially females that are wives and mothers). When I am not at school or working, I am at home. I have thought to myself many times "well if I can't find great guys in my daily life, perhaps I need to turn to the internet". All I get on the internet are old creepy men, guys that are only interested in sex, and guys that are going now where in life. I know what I want in a men, and I don't think I am being picky. I do believe he is out there, but I have never been the patient kind. The older I get, the sadder I feel inside knowing that I am getting older. I am not trying to say my happiness depends on finding someone to spend my life with, but it would definitely make me feel happy to be able to share that kind of bond and closeness with someone. I am 22 and have never felt what it is like to truly care about someone, and have the someone feel the same way about me. Now I don't want to come off as negative and depressed, but maybe I am just not capable of caring about anyone, and perhaps I am not capable of either feeling when people do care about me, or it really is just that I am not worthy of being cared about. Ever since I was in middle school I felt that nobody, not even my "friends" cared about me. I am not sure what it means to be cared about, but I really don't think I have ever felt it.
What I am trying to really get at though is, if I can't meet guys in my daily life because of all the females in my class and at my work, and I can't meet them on the internet, then where am I suppose to meet guys that are capable of caring about others, guys that I could possibly want to care about? I have no hobbies, I have no interests, I have no passions, I have no friends, I have no money, and I have no life. Perhaps I am just destined to be alone. I have always feared living a life of loneliness, but perhaps since I have feared it, that’s life's way of saying "well you feared it, so now it's what you get". I do not want to get into a blog about what if's. I just want answers. I just want advice. I just want help.
Really---I just want to love and be loved. Sooner rather than later. One of these days I will have achieved all that I wanted to academically and professionally, but I may never find love. And that makes me sad. Very sad.
What should I do to make sure I don't live a life of loneliness?
Anyone want to pay for a therapist for me? Maybe one of them will have the answers. One of the dating/life coach people....I thought the book would help "Always Talk to Strangers", but I don't do anything that makes me come in contact with strangers.
For the record. I don't want to be a dating freak, that goes on 50 dates in 2 weeks. I just want to love and be loved.
Now I am sad. Loneliness makes me sad. The thought of being lonely forever makes me sad. The thought of never feeling love and feeling cared about makes me sad. The thought I might not be capable of feeling love, or being loveable makes me sad.
I just want to be happy, but with someone else. Is that really so much to ask for?
