6 posts tagged “life”
So even though I have made it my New Year's resolution for the last few years, I am yet again having to remind myself to be more carefree, laidback, and chill about things. I worry too much, I think about the negative too much, I come up with excuses to avoid things I fear too much. I think it is time for me to step out further into this strange world. I am going to take advice from (of all things) a movie trailer I keep seeing on TV for Jim Carrey's newest movie: Yes Man. It's about a guy that always backs out of doing things, always says no to people. Until he is given advice to say yes to EVERYTHING. even strangers. As my counselor reminded me last week, you never know when you could meet someone new or experience something new and wonderful.
So I am going to try to be more chill about things and start saying yes to things. I think those two things will help me really get to experience all that life has to offer.
Easier said then done my friend....
So...heres the clip to that movie though..
my name is shannon and I
have a lot going on in my life. I have control, but I also wish I had more
control. I do not like when I am not in control of what it going on in my life.
Sometimes it makes life frustrating and sometimes it makes life fun and
interesting. Surprises are okay, but not bad news surprises. Only happy ones. I
have been so busy lately and luckily it has kept me from thinking about all the
horrible things in my life. Like the fact that I have no friends, no one to
ponder life with, no one to vent to, no one to hate life with, no one to enjoy
life with. I have so many things that I am focusing on, that I just wake up
everyday hoping that I don’t lose control. Just keeping swimming, just keep
swimming. That’s a quote from Dory from Finding Nemo. Gotta love when kids’
movies can be used for adult life. I am determined to get what I want out of
life. I am determined to make sure that I don’t lose control. I have a feeling
this summer is going to be crazy, and that I will get frustrated a lot.
However, I would rather be productive, then not productive. Last summer and
most of last year was very depressing and unproductive for me. I feel better
knowing that my time is being spent doing something worthwhile, and not spent
wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I still do not like that I wasted so
much time being depressed and unproductive, but I learned from it. I am still
learning to be more appreciative and positive, all in order to achieve that
happiness in life that I desire. Here’s what I am feeling right now:
“good things happen to those who wait”
“those who wait, appreciate”
“what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”
“everything happens for a reason.”
I could update on everything that has been going. So heres a quick run down.
I have four more day of Extending Learning. I have been told that my the position is mine for this coming school year, even though they are aware I want a full time teaching position. I am to just let them know ASAP if I do get a position so that they can begin searching for a replacement for me. So it is good to know they understand where I am coming from, but at the same time are keeping the position open for me in case I do not get a position by next year.
I have started my 3 master’s summer classes. They are going to be intense, frustrating, but interesting and worthwhile. I just have to remember the end goal: getting a M.Ed. How exciting! Not many people can say they got a BA at 21 and a M.Ed at 23!
I will be starting a summer camp counselor position. Something I have always wanted to do, but now I hope it’s not more work then I thought it was. The employee hand book makes it sound like lots of planning and making sure the kids are always doing something fun at any given moment. I have never been to camp and never really seen what camp is like. I have more of a teacher/education background. Which obviously will be helpful, but I just hope I can make every moment of every day fun for these kids!
Amongst all this, I am will be attempting to get a teaching postion by attending job fairs and emailing/mailing my resume to principals. With budget cuts, school closing, and job losses, I feel like I am getting screwed over yet again, but I am also determined. I really don’t want to be just an hourly tutor again. I want to be a classroom teacher, a full time position that really uses my degree (and also includes much need benefits!).
That’s my life at the current moment ya’ll.
I’ll update when I can!
ps..i have realized that i start a lot of blogs by saying/stating "my name is shannon" i have been pondering why it is i do this, or feel the need to do this. I think it is because i need to state my name in order to remember who i am. Isn't that silly? But sometimes I think we forget who we are and we need to be reminded. I have no one to help me remember who I am, so I have to do it myself.
my name is shannon.
Has anyone ever done something so horrible to you that "I'm sorry" couldn't fix it?
Yes. Everything my father has ever done to make my life a living hell, that is unforgivable and no amount of I'm Sorry will fix it. I don't want to get into it, but for him to call me an out of control teenager for 6 years when I clearly wasn't and then to aplogozie through EMAIL 2 years after the fact the day after my mother leaves him, no that is not an apology I accpet. I still don't know if I should thank my dad for being an ass to me my whole life, because if not for his mistreatment and lack of affection I would not have wanted to move out and move to Florida.
Also no amount of I'm Sorry from him will ever forgive when he came into my room with a trash bag and made me throw away MY things just because they related to Hawaii (I had an obession with moving to Hawaii and had bought all kinds of Hawaii memorable to remind me of my dream). Things I bought with MY money. He made me throw them all away and watch the trash bag get smashed with all the trash from my neighborhood in the garbage truck outside my house.
There is more to the things my father has done to me. I have learned now that he emotionally abused my mom, my brother, and I. He needs to live with what he has done. People that are lonely are lonely because they push people away. And thats what he did. He never appreciated me as a human being let alone a daughter. He was never a father figure to me.
I now know the kind of man I NEVER want to marry because of him. I am happier here in Florida without him around.
So yeah, it is too late for apologies.
Someone once told me that it is never too late for apologies though. That people end up happier when they can forgive. We dont have to forget what people have done to us, but sometimes it might be best to just let things go. Right now I do not thing I am ready to let the thing my father has done to me go. I am still emotionally hurt by the thing he has done and said to me throughout my life. So far nothing he has done has proved to me that he acknowledges what he did. He he an emotionless, cold hearted man.
Okay enough dwelling on the past.
Well I figured it was about time I posted about my departure from JTV (justin.tv). If you haven't noticed by now, http://www.justin.tv/bluemoon07 no longer exists. That is because last week I went and cancelled the entire account, no channel, no log in name, no profile. Bluemoon07 is DEAD on jtv (unless of course someone already took up the name again).
A few of you loyal fans (yes there were only a few, the rest of my viewers...well you know what I think of them and I don't want to get into it right now), but for the few of you, I think you may know the main reason why it was time to stop broadcasting. But if you don't here is why:
- huge time waster
- rude, ignornat, dumb, idiotic people (that is the general population of the internet, congratulations if you are considerate and NORMAL!)
and for the main reason!!!
- I grew up and realized there is more to sitting in front of my computer and talking to a bunch of people I don't know. I will miss all the people that were loyal and "true" internet friends/fans. I am still lonely, but my lonliness isn't the first thing on my mind anymore. I have a billion jobs (well more like 4--teaching, tutoring, babysitting, and Passion Parties), and then all my homework for my classes. This summer is only going to get even more busy (with my full time summer camp position and then taking 3 master's classes!) So the time just isnt there. I am also working on meeting people IRL so that I won't be so attached to the internet world.
Who is to know if one day I will get a better web cam and decide to start broadcasting again. I think I might do it on a better website though, like blog.tv. For now, I suggest following me on twitter and keeping up with my blogs. You should all know by now that I am just a click away on Myspace, Facebook, Vox, Twitter, AIM, MSN, and YAHOO! Just ask for my screen name on any of them, and you shall find me ( I am not bluemoon07 for everything, FYI).
So goodbye JTV and my JTV fans....keep in touch!
xoxo
Shannon
So I am writing this blog in a word document and saving it until I have internet connection because I am babysitting and I am taking a break from doing some much needed homework. Before I came babysitting, I watched a little bit more of “The Secret”. I pretty much expected it to be a “happiness, appreciation, grateful” brainwash thing, and if you look it at that way, it really kind of is. However, I was able to filter out the brainwashing part of it and focus on the main message of what it is trying to say, and well I have to agree with a lot it. It is hard for me to explain what the whole thing is about, but just today I had three people tell me that they don’t really buy into “The Secret”, and that just tells me that they didn’t walk away with the main message. I still have about 30 minutes of it left to watch, but so far I am liking it and hoping to use its messages with me for the rest of my life, in all aspects of my life. I am on a mission to live the life of happiness I always wanted, and my motto will always be “your wish is my command”, so that if I “wish” something negative, then it will happen, but if I wish something AMAZING, then something amazing will happen!!! Also, I will start to see myself in a life of happiness, obtaining the things I have always wanted, even if they seemed out of reach. So… mission: happiness, here I come!
Oh and here is the link I was given to watch “The Secret”. You don’t really have to watch, just listen to the messages they are telling you. I wouldn’t necessarily say the message is a secret, but just another way of looking at life, appreciation, happiness, and reaching fulfillment. Take with it what you want, because one of the messages is “what do you have to lose?”
I better quit before I start sounding like a PSA!
Off to do more school work! I am on a roll with this, because as I said before—stress is my motivator!
So twice a year, appearently this local radio station that I listen to almost daily does "the bribe" where they bribe you to listen all day every day for three weeks. They announce the name of a song in the morning, and then we are forced to listen all day long. When that song is played, all we have to do is be the 97th caller and we win $1000 in cold hard cash. Now I played the last time in the Fall, and never ever even got through to the station. I never once even got told I was "x" number caller. And so far this has been going on for 3 days now for the Spring Bribe, and yet again, I can't even get through the damn lines. This just isn't fair. I listen. I signed up online to be told what time the song plays. I signed up to get the text messages to know what time the song plays. And still, I can't even get through. GRRR!
I was going to use the $1000 to go enjoy Vegas with Jon for his birthday in June. Oh well. Life sucks and then you die. The end.
